


A King's Dilema

by ajwolf



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Don't copy to another site, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Guards, Humor, M/M, Royalty, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 13:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18624559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajwolf/pseuds/ajwolf
Summary: King Yuuri Plisetsky is a good King, a young King, but a fair and good ruler. He has to make his Grandfather proud, after all. To help him do his job he's hired the best personal guard and spy he could find to be his right-hand men. It's perfect really......except they're both idiots.





	A King's Dilema

**Author's Note:**

> Just some fun silliness. XD

The throne room was a bustle with activity as various nobles and commoners alike made their pleas to their king, asking for his aid on everything from bandits to rutabagas. No request was too small, and King Yuri Plisetsky was happy to hear his subjects out, giving them just as much attention as his grandfather had in his time as King. At the King’s side was his most loyal and gifted guard.

Or at least the man that should have been.

“Haaaa,” Viktor sighed dramatically, leaning on his spear as if it were a railing and not an extremely pointy stick, pouting as yet another governor stepped forward to report his township’s crop yields.

“Get a grip on yourself,” Yuri hissed out of the corner of his mouth, glad that his trusted advisor, Yakov was dealing with the man before him. It was very hard to focus on wheat when you were stuck next to an annoying idiot who kept making noises of despair as if he were but mere moments away from passing.

“I can't,” Viktor whined. “You sent my Yuuri away!”

Yuri felt his eyes roll so hard he was afraid the rapid movement might send them flying out of their sockets. “He's my head spy, of course, I sent him away! He's a spy! He's spying! It's literally his job title!”

Viktor, losing all sense of decorum (and chill), exclaimed, “Couldn't he spy by my side?”

The words echoed through the now silent room, as dozens of eyes (including a very grumpy looking Yakov) stared at them. Yuri sighed, his head falling into his hand as he wished, for not the first time, that he could just pull that old guillotine out of storage and rid himself of one...or rather two, dramatic idiots.

 

Victor Nikiforov was supposed to be the best guard in all the country, and more importantly, the best Lancer, possibly in the world. He had won every tournament, delighting audiences for as long as Yuri could remember with his feats of wit and strength. He was nigh unbeaten for five years by the time Yuri had taken the throne at the age of 14 (his grandfather choosing to step down to enjoy a well-earned retirement).

Yuri wasted no time, asking Victor to be his personal guard; the highest ranking position outside of the military a man could get, and one Viktor happily accepted. All had gone well for a while, at least until Yuri had brought in a new spymaster.

Yuuri Katsuki came highly recommended by someone Yuri was sure he should have heard of (if the way Lilia said the name was any indication) as one of the best spies the country had ever seen. Indeed he had impressed Yuri so much upon their first meeting that he'd hired him on the spot. The Spy had seemed almost giddy as he accepted the position, so much so that he seemed to do a sort of diving roll out the door as he left the chamber to go acquire his new uniform.

Maybe Yuri would have thought the spy’s behavior a bit odd if he hadn’t been so distracted by his guard’s even more bizarre behavior.

“What's wrong with you?” Yuri asked. Victor was staring after the spy with his mouth hanging open and eyes unfocused; there was even what looked like a bit of drool leaking from the side of his mouth.

“He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen,” Viktor whispered.

Yuri blinked at his guard, replying, awkwardly, “Well you better get used to seeing him since he works here now.”

Victor gasped as if only just realizing this. “You’re right! Oh Yuri, this is wonderful! I wonder if he likes dogs?”

Viktor liked dogs. Yuri didn’t know much about the man, but he knew that. He had no idea whether his new spy liked dogs or not, and frankly, he wasn’t sure it mattered. What did matter was his personal guard had suddenly become an idiot.

 

Yuuri Katsuki did like dogs.

Yuri became aware of this fact precisely two days later when Viktor had come jogging in, five minutes late, blabbing about how he’d run into Yuuri and had lost track of time.

“Well, that’s just wonderful Viktor. Your little date was totally worth my potential murder.”

“I’m so glad you think so because he’s agreed to have lunch with me today!”

“Oi! That was a joke, you idiot! We have the Duke coming for lunch today! You can’t leave me alone with that weirdo! He ended up naked at the last ball!”

Viktor had pouted through all of lunch, and he’d only stopped when Yuri had had a servant fetch his spymaster to join them. Of course that had all blown up in his face when the Duke had decided to make a grab at Yuuri, leading to a jealous, furious Viktor, and a very uncomfortable spy who spent the evening by Yuri’s side muttering quietly about ways to break a man’s...well, Yuri wasn’t comfortable thinking about it.

 

Yuri had hoped with time Viktor would stop pining over the spy and either do something about it or move on; that had not been the case. In fact, it only got worse, with Viktor going from a suave, untouchable warrior, to a bungling idiot who’d walk into walls on a daily basis whenever the spy was around.

“Just do something about it!” Yuri bellowed when he was, once again, knocked upside the head by the butt of Viktor’s spear after Viktor tripped over his own two feet.

“But Yuri!” Viktor moaned, completely foregoing all sense of decorum, “how do I know he likes me?”

“You ask him!” Yuri had spotted the guillotine in one of the storage rooms just last week. The blade was still sharp…

“I can’t do that! What if he rejects me?”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Yuri bellowed, making a dozen heads turn in the courtyard, and making Yuri want to pound his head into the nearest wall.

As luck would have it, Yuri found out just a week later that his spymaster _did_ , in fact, like his personal guard. Unfortunately for him, it was in the middle of the night.

He’d woken up in the darkness, with the strange feeling that he was being watched, only to let out a scream as he spotted the spy, perched on the quarter post of his bed, mumbling to himself.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“He’s so hic-pretty…” Yuuri moaned.

Yuri had a bad feeling about this. “Who?”

“Vik-tor-u,” Yuuri whispered, hiccuping again.

“Oi, how much wine did you drink tonight?”

“All of it.”

Yuri groaned. “How did you get into my room, anyways.”

“Window,” Yuuri said if it was the most natural thing in the world to somehow enter through a fourth-floor window.

“O-kay...next question, _why_ are you here?”

Yuuri blinked, looking as if such a thought had never occurred to him. He seemed to ponder hard for a long moment before he leaned forward precariously (Yuri was sure the man was going to fall on top of him at any moment) and whisper, “Because I tell you the secrets!”

Yuri had had it. He had to end this torture, and he only knew one way to do it.

“Why are we going to the dungeon?” Viktor asked as he followed behind Yuri the next evening.

“Secret meeting,” Yuri mumbled, as he opened the door to one of the nicer cells, one that had a table and a pair of beds, and his spymaster waiting for them.

“My Lord?” Katsuki questioned as they stepped in.

Yuri turned, planting his foot into Viktor’s back and shoving him deeper into the room before dodging out the door, slamming it shut and securing the latch in one swift movement. “You both like each other, idiots! Just talk to one another and get your heads out of your asses! I’ll be back for you in the morning!”

On the one hand, his plan was successful; on the other (tragic) hand, he saw Viktor’s naked butt the next morning.

 

It had only gotten worse from there. Now whenever Viktor spotted Yuuri, no matter where they were or what they were doing, he’d suddenly straighten up and call out “YUU-RI!” waving frantically at his new lover. And Yuuri was no better, frequently showing off his skills by ambushing them in empty halls, swinging his torso down from the rafters and kissing Viktor upside-down in the middle of the hallway, before disappearing again, and leaving a very flustered, but happy guard behind.

Yuri’s only hope was that with time they would calm down, or at least, maybe learn to control themselves. He really, really, hoped that was the case because he did have a country to run, and now he was in a foreign (but neutral) country, with the two negotiating a land agreement with another country they’d been at odds with for over a hundred years. Yuri needed his wits about him, and he also needed his spy to find him leverage so he could get the other King to give up his claim to the disputed piece of Yuri’s land.

The plan was simple; while Yuri met with the King to start the negotiations, his spy would sneak into the other King’s quarters and search for a certain deed Yuri was sure the King would have in his possession. It was a piece of paper that had been the crux of the argument for years but was one Yuri knew was a forgery. He just needed to prove it, or in the worst case, have the paper ‘disappear’.

That was Yuuri’s job, and as Yuri sat listening to the negotiations, he hoped his spy would be successful; he didn’t know how much more of this man’s droning on he could take.

“Are you alright, King Plisetsky?”

Yuri started, realizing he’d been zoning out for the last however many minutes, and his distraction had been noticed. “Uh, yes. My apologies sir. It seems the days of travel to arrive here has left me a bit more tired than expected.”

Viktor looked concerned. “Your Highness, I hope our activities didn’t keep you—”

Yuri stomped on his guard’s foot, silencing him immediately, though his eyes seemed to be watering. The other King didn’t know he’d brought two men with him, and Yuri wanted to keep it that way.

The King nodded, giving his own yawn. “I must agree. I’m glad not even youth can leave you immune to the ravages of the road. What say you we sojourn for the luncheon hour and reconvene this afternoon?”

Yuri nodded, sure his spy would have finished his work by now. Having an excuse to retire to his room so they could discuss his progress would be useful. “That sounds like an excellent idea. Returning with fresh minds would undoubtedly aid us in these efforts.”

“I much agree,” the other King agreed, standing and walking with Yuri towards the doors, their two guards following behind them. “How is your Grandfather enjoying his retirement? I find I’m rather envious of him.”

Yuri pushed open the door. “He is well. He’s enjoying his time–” His words cut off as he gazed in horror at his spy still hanging from the windowsill of the other King’s chambers. The man had stopped, not noticing the abrupt cut-off of Yuri’s words as he prattled on about fishing while Yuri struggled not to draw attention to the man hanging from the third story window of the building across the way.

Suddenly Yuuri’s eyes widened noticeably, shaking his head frantically. Yuri turned in horror, realizing what was about to happen, hoping to stop his guard before—

“YUUUUUUURI!!!!” Viktor shouted excitedly, jumping in excitement as he stared across the courtyard.

The world seemed to move in slow motion as many things seemed to happen all at once. Yuri whirled, elbowing his guard in the stomach, the other King turned, to see what the commotion was, and Yuuri, seeing that his cover was blown, let go of the sill, plummeting down into a large pile of hay, and disappearing in an instant.

“You idiot!” Yuri cursed at Viktor, who had quickly dropped to a knee.

“My apologies, highness! The journey must be affecting me as well to have forgotten myself and to have addressed you as such. I only grew excited as I saw a lovely dog and I know how much you favor them.”

Yuri turned, indeed spotting a lovely poodle trotting across the courtyard. He was mildly impressed at the guard’s quick thinking.

“Oh,” the other King said in surprise, a wide smile stretching over his lips. “I didn’t know you liked dogs so much, King Plisetsky!”

And that is how King Yuri Plisetsky returned to his kingdom with a settled land claim, a spymaster with a broken arm, and two poodle puppies.

“Why can’t I sit by Yuuri?!” Viktor whined in despair in the carriage on the ride back home. “And why can’t I hold the puppies? You don’t even like dogs, highness.”

Yuri and Yuuri both glared at him in reminder of what his frivolity had cost them.

“You’re lucky this is my throwing arm,” Yuuri grumbled, rubbing his sore limb.

“Forgive me Yuuri!” Viktor pleaded. “It’d just been such a long morning and I—”

Yuuri gasped, both Yuri and Viktor jumped at the sound and stared in shock as the spy suddenly kicked open the carriage door and lept out.

“What the? Stop the carriage!” Yuri bellowed. “What did he do that for?” Viktor leaned out the door in confusion, before suddenly gasping himself and dashing out into the countryside himself. “No, no, this is fine,” Yuri grumbled. “Just leave your monarch unguarded in the middle of nowhere so you can chase after your boyfriend.” Maybe he should have them both beheaded for his own personal safety.

A minute later, Yuuri reappeared, smiling happily as he jumped into the carriage.

“What the hell was that?” Yuri asked, but the spy just nodded towards the door of the coach as Viktor stepped forward, cradling in his arms, the tiniest, most precious kitten Yuri had ever seen.

“For you, majesty,” Viktor said quietly, presenting the kitten to his king.

Yuri reached forward, unable to help the wide-eyed expression that crept over his face as he accepted the soft bundle of fur into his arms. The kitten blinked up at him and meowed, reaching towards his face with her paw, and tapping his chin.

He supposed he would keep the guillotine in storage for now; those two weren’t so bad, not really.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm working on a second chapter of more silliness with these three and their pets. I'll try not to take too long with it. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated! :)


End file.
